The Unknown
As I ponder on how far God has brought me, I find myself in awe that He still wants me to prosper. He does not want to see any harm done to me. He doesn’t want to see me hurt. He wants to see me strive. And not just strive, but persevere.
These past nine months have been daunting and humiliating in a way where I had to sit back and allow those who hurt me, to be in my prayers. I had to succumb to the fact that I was now a woman of God, and I no longer had to fight those painful battles alone. All I had to do was pray and allow God the authority to have everything come to pass. If I am honest, forgiving those who have hurt me has been challenging. It frustrated me that those who caused harm to others can move on with their lives as if they never caused damage to the point where that person would need to heal. It was like, I was a ghost in my own shadow.
To go a little deeper, last year in October, my husband was physically assaulted by his father while my daughter and I were in the home (thankfully, she was sleeping). It was a shocking and mortifying experience, as I was the reason we moved into the home. To illustrate, a few years ago I started noticing my husband was becoming more irritable and mentally drained. I thought, maybe moving in with his parents, who lived in another state, would be willing to take us in so we could pay down his student loan debt. I wanted him to feel some freedom. I wanted him to feel the chains fall off and bring him a lighter feeling of the Lord’s love. But, I was wrong, and after moving in with his parents, the experience of living was starting to become my biggest regret. Then again, my biggest regret was beginning to become my biggest blessing. It was difficult to witness his father’s “actions” and the audacity he had to hurt my husband in such an awful way, physically, emotionally, and verbally. This experience changed me. It caused me to be angry with the people I trusted the most. I cried a lot, felt sad and unworthy, but I knew God was in this transition. I knew He needed us to move in with them. It was a moment when I realized that sometimes God’s will comes with a difficult task. I had never lived – let alone, was around an alcoholic before—at least not one in denial. So I continued serving the Lord, even when I felt like I was failing Him because his parents were not changing through the hope I was trying to give them, and the knowledge to see that I was a good person who desired to serve God’s Kingdom. I thought they would love that version of me and be thankful that their son married a godly woman. I honored them. I respected them, in their own home, yet still tried to build my own home, in the midst of theirs. It was challenging. I felt I had to change who I was to meet their needs, always causing me to question if I was ever enough? Then, God reminded me of Ruth’s loving heart when she spoke to her mother-in-law, Naomi.
Ruth replied, to Naomi, “Don’t ask me to leave you and turn back. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God. (Ruth 1:16 NLT)
God challenged me through those few years (of living with them) to be His vessel. He showed me the story in Ruth and how I was Ruth, and my mother-in-law was Naomi. I needed to respect her and be by her side no matter what, so I fought hard for her love and approval and tried to get her to see that I was worth it, yet hindering my own fight to not lose myself in the process. So, I put a smile on my face and sank into God’s love for me. I went out with friends, started volunteering at a Recover Ministry, went around local Celebrate Recovery programs, and shared my testimony. I also made sure that every single person I encountered saw my smile, yet saw the rawness to my healing. I will be honest, although I was keeping myself busy, deep down inside I was scared. Petrified of trusting God in the unknown. Not only were we having to move out, but we were moving out months in advance with no time to plan. I didn’t even have the time to pray for God’s guidance on a home. Instead, we had to leave months ahead of schedule, and fast! I kept thinking, I trusted them. I was angry and disappointed that the ones I trusted to love their son, like the prodigal son in the bible, failed to provide him with a secure and safe love.
I went through significant trust issues during this season, I did not trust them with my daughter’s heart anymore, nor my own, and now I was struggling to trust God with my heart because I was too afraid to ask Him for something. Not because I did not trust Him, but because I did not trust that He could move fast enough.
In Proverbs 3:5 (NLT), it tells me to trust in the Lord with all my heart and to not depend on my own understanding.
I needed to trust God, even if the unknown looked scary. Yes, we needed to move out. Yes, we needed a home. And yes, as God’s daughter, I feared God’s perfect timing would fail me. Like, Father, will you be able to provide us with a home so quickly? Every application rejection defeated me; every unsettling home depleted me, and my faith began to wither into uncertainty. My motherly instincts were kicking in, and I was becoming desperate for God’s guidance. My weakness in trusting was prevalent, but all I could do was show my daughter those weaknesses, through transparency, on what it looks like to depend on God, even when we feel petrified during those seasons of the unknown. My Heavenly Father loved me so much that I was beginning to see I needed to have faith in the unknown and trust He was going to pull through for His daughter’s. And indeed He did! We finally found a home and moved out a month later. I learned, through my doubt and fears, His understanding of things was better than my own understanding. He taught me to trust in Him with all my heart. No matter if I feared Him with it.
“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” (Ephesians 3:20 NLT)
Yes, I had to go through something painful, hurtful, and endure seasons where I questioned my identity and sense of belonging. My addiction to marijuana was prevalent, but the strive in my continuation to stay sober pushed me to see that I was worth more than going back to my addiction – all because I felt unloved and unqualified. Even questioning if my ethnicity was a factor?. Here I was, a woman of color, marrying into a Caucasian family, and now I was questioning the value of my beauty and the spoken knowledge of my wisdom. It was as if I was seeing how every man fails me (including my husband), and now every mother-like figure was abandoning me because they could never fulfill my heart to be loved, protected, and cherished. Instead of leaving their home on a positive note, I left that home in disappointment, shame for trusting them, and the drive to protect my daughter with the same stone-cold heart I used to protect mine. No one was going to hurt my daughter the way they hurt me, and no one was going to reject her the same way they rejected me.
I cried for many months, feeling as if I failed my family because I decided to move into a home that I had no idea would defeat us and cause us to question our value. But then again, love conquered all. I loved them through it all. I spoke life into them, reassured them with scripture, lovingly pursued them, and exposed my identity so they could get to know me. And even though I was hurting, I continued to trust in my Heavenly Father. I remained in the church, volunteered, attended a recovery ministry, was involved in a life group, and lent a helping hand to Denver Serve, an organization that helps those in need around the state of Colorado. I even applied for an internship program through this church and continuously reached out to those accountability partners when I felt like giving up on God’s plans. The Lord became my safe haven and the church became my place of service.
“Matthew 7:7-8 tells us that when we seek, we will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
If you were to ask me nine months ago how the next nine months would look for me and my family, I would have given you my plans. I would have never believed that moving to Colorado would bring such pain, yet reveal God’s beautiful plan and purpose for my family. Nor, would I have imagined that visiting my in-laws and attending a church introduced to us by my sister-in-law, would eventually become my church home. From experiencing trauma, mistrust, and deep pain to seeing the goodness of God’s love, I finally see it now. It all happened according to God’s plan, and although I did not realize it then, He was showing me His plans to prosper me. His plans were coming into fruition, but in order to grow and evolve, I had to face difficult circumstances. I had to choose what was worth fighting for? To be loved, or receive love?
