Grieving with a Smile

It was about 2:30pm on October 30th and I was at work when I got the call. I snuck into the closet, knowing I’m not supposed to have my phone out at work, and answered the phone after my stepmoms name flashed across the screen.

Me: Hey I cant talk right now, I’m at work and I’ll call you when I get off.

Mom: I was just calling to let you know that your grandma is in critical care and they told us to call the family. Okay. . . I’ll talk to you later.

My heart stopped the minute I heard those words and shock took over my entire body. Every regret ran through my mind. . .

Why did I not go visit her last weekend?

Why did I not call her on my birthday like I said I would after finding out she was at home?

Why didn’t I go home more?

Why did I move this far away, knowing it would take me longer to get to her?

Why didnt I ask more questions?

Why Lord why?

I felt my heart sinking into my stomach and the last 30 minutes of my shift felt like the waiting game. Every time my phone vibrated my heart stopped hoping bad news didn’t follow.

“My grandmother was in critical care and they asked to call the family.“

I have never prepared myself for this. I knew she was sick and I knew she was in the hospital, but she’s always recovered, she always went home, she always made it, the doctors never told anyone to call the family, what did this mean??

The ride home was like a battle between my flesh and my spirit.

Flesh: Lord why would you do this? This was not her prayer, at least not what she told me the last time we talked. She told me when she wanted to go? Why cant you honor that?

Spirit: Well Lord, you have performed miracles and she has always made it home. I know that you will heal her body. She’s still alive, which means its not over yet. You’re just using this time to talk to her personally and when you finish, she’ll open her eyes and be back with us.

Flesh: Micayla you’ve been praying since childhood to be the last person she talks to before she leaves this earth. Lord why cant you honor my prayer? What about my dad and my family, don’t you hear their prayers too. We asked for her to be healed, not for her to die.

Spirit: Lord everything happens according to your will and your plan. She did mention how tired she was and maybe you need need her in heaven more than we need her on earth. She’s run her race and now shes at the finish line. She loves you and know you so I know she’ll be in good hands when she goes home to you.

My mind and my heart couldn’t take the anxiety. My dad called and told me it wasn’t looking too good and that they lost her twice already and kept bringing her back.

“They lost her twice. . . “

I kept pondering on whether or not I should make the trip. I can leave now around 4pm and get there closer to 9pm, stay the night, and then turn around and come back early tomorrow morning for work at 7am; or I can stay here and pray. I went back and forth trying to convince myself that I should go because this may be the last time I get to see her or talk to her. On the other hand, if she’s not responsive and the only thing keeping her alive is a machine, then why would I put myself through that. She can’t even talk to me. Why would I surround myself with all of that emotion that I knew my heart was not strong enough to bare. I didn’t want my last memory of her to be a picture of her lying in a hospital, I knew that image would be stay in my head fo the rest of my life. I made my decision. . . I stayed.

Every phone call was an update from family talking about pulling the plug or someone crying saying she’s already gone. It was rough. I found myself looking for distractions in ways that I could encourage my family and give them something to smile about. I booked a hotel room for an uncle who needed to stay the night due to the circumstances. I made my cousins laugh by reminiscing on the good times. I found that my grieving process involved happiness, gratefulness, reflection, and lessons.

Happiness
My grandmother was the best grandma in the world. She always made you smile, she always took the time to listen, she was happy with her life, her family, her relationship with the Lord, and the experiences she was able to live.

Gratefulness
Lord Im grateful for the time I was blessed to spend with her. Im grateful that she no longer has to go through dialysis, or surgeries, or hospitals, or pain. Im grateful that she’ll be able to spend eternity with you and see her husband again, and her parents, and her brothers and sisters.

Reflection and Lessons Learned
Grandma was a fearlsss woman who taught her family how to be fearless. She took care of her family and taught ALL OF US how to care for families of our own. She drew close to the Lord and taught us to trust in the Lord with all of our heart and lean not on our own understanding. She was a true example of a Proverbs 31 woman. Her example is what encourages me to live up to the woman, wife, and christian who holds the qualities and faith in Proverbs 31. I have learned alot from her life and how she allowed the Lord to use her. She gained wisdom and passed it down through our family. We are grateful for her. I am grateful for her.

On October 30th at about 8:30 pm, my aunt called and said they lost her again and they were tired of seeing the doctors trying to revive her. She told me that it’s on the Lords hands now; and on October 31st, early that morning, she was called home to be with the Lord.

It hurt and I cried, but the Lord gave me peace knowing that she was and will always be in great hands with Him. Minutes before I received the final call, the Lord placed this song on my heart; and after I sang and the song ended, I knew that it was time for her to occupy her mansion in the sky.